HEATHER!

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 06:08:53 GMT

*sigh*

I did something horrible tonight.

really horrible.

I don't even feel anything at the moment.....just completely numb and shut down.
I had to be to get through it.

let me start at the beginning......

when I started drinking and using drugs again earlier this year and got back with my ex boyfriend, my parents kicked me out and completely cut me off.
so I moved away to live with my boyfriend and some other friends and suddenly I was working a minimum wage job, attempting to go to school full time and frankly, the paychecks weren't covering all my costs.
so? I found an "easy way" to make a lot of money....nude modeling.
yeah. yuck.
but i started doing some shoots and soon got mixed up with one particular photographer and struck a business deal with me. Basically I had my own website for my photos and it was a paid site.
yeah. hi porn star. gross.
so anyways I was doing that briefly and then....I went completely insane and almost died a couple of months ago from a drug/alcohol overdoes. I was actually in the ICU for a couple of days on life support in a coma before I woke up.

so the photographer (who was my sugar daddy and in a semi-relationship with me) took down my site out of concern for me.
But the thing was, he still owed me $1000 that I never got paid.
well he kept saying he was going to pay me, but then I finally came to my senses, was BEYOND HORRIFIED at what I had been doing and absolutely disgusted with myself and totally broke things off with him.
he didn't take it well at all.
and I suppose as my "punishment" he withheld the money even though I did the "work" for it.

well now I'm moving out of my house this weekend into a recovery house for alcoholics/addicts (which costs a lot of money) my car just broke down, I have traffic tickets to pay off....and just yeah, i DESPERATELY need money!!!

mostly because I NEED to be in this recovery house. I landed in the ER a couple of days ago from alcohol poisioning.....this is the several times this year. I'm going to die if I don't get sober and stop.

so I was trying to contact him to tell him my situation and plead for the money.

then.....he suddenly got vindictive and decided that he didn't get his "money's worth" from my site the first time around and that he would pay me and put my site back up!!

PANIC PANIC PANIC
the thought of having that up KILLED me!!! I'd do anything!
and I started to cry and told him so.

so. he struck yet another "deal" with me.

He'd give me back my contract that gave him the "rights" to any of the images and all the prints and discs containing my pictures....AND the $1000.....all if I slept with him just one more time.

so.
i did.

it was disgusting.

but i was desperate and needed the money and I didn't want to pass up the opportunity to finally have control over those images so they can never haunt me again.

I'm going to burn them.

I know.
i know
I know I'm a horrible whore of a girl.
i know.

:*(

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 02:07:08 GMT

wow!
so i definitely got into the recovery house for alcoholics and addicts!

I went to see the house tonight....it's HUGE and SO SO nice!!
haha like nicer than my parent's house.
I get to move in this saturday.

it should be great but i'm really nervous at the same time.
I'm going to be in a giant bedroom with two other girls.....eep!
luckily, my good friend Brittany is one of them and she's moving in tomorrow.

hmmm....in other news.
I feel sort of exhilarated.....apparently I have a date.
um...with a girl.
i'm actually really excited about it.
she's incredibly stunning and one of the kindest people i've ever met.
I feel jittery when i'm around her.
she's a little older than me (she's 26 and i'm 22)
anyways, we're going out thursday after i get off work.

and in other other news....i'm officially gaining the weight back that i fought so hard to lose!!
it has to stop! i've just been eating and eating as my only coping mechanism and it's making things worse and worse for me because i feel absolutely disgusting!

ugh.
I stopped on my way home from work to binge and purge....and when I was at the end of my purging, there was blood all over my fingers.
my throat is just KILLING me.....I walked out of the store (where i stopped to use their bathroom to purge) and kept stumbling because i was seeing spots and I was so dizzy and I could taste the blood in my mouth.

man. this beyond sucks.
ok i'm gonna go work out now.
i HAVE to be thin!!

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 23:49:19 GMT

......I just was going to go to a movie last night....

then?

I open my eyes and I don't know where I am.
There are bars on my bed.
IV's in my arms.
oh.
i'm at the hospital.
I don't know why.

I ask a nurse WHY i'm at the hospital! what time is it? where am i?
it was about 6:30am, i was in the ER at a hospital 40 mins away from my house.
She said I was found without shoes passed out in front of a bar.

oh.

I was just going to go to a movie. honestly!
I went with James.
We went to Studio Movie Grill....they have a full bar. So what's one little drink during the movie right? it won't hurt. no one will know....

then that one drink turned into 4 (which is really like 8 drinks because they were all double vodkas)
and then we walked over to a nearby bar. and I remember having more double vodkas and then I don't remember ANYthing and next thing I know I'm opening my eyes and I'm in the hospital.

HELP ME
this is going to kill me.
it really really will!

Sat, 15 Nov 2008 18:38:01 GMT

so I miss having sex with my ex SO badly.....

it was truly amazing.
it was pure connection.

I've never ever had that with any other man i've ever slept with.
probably because he's the only guy I've ever loved and didn't just fuck.

Our bodies spoke and articulated what are words could never say....

now? he's gone. He's not mine anymore.

I had sex with a guy last week.
all I could think was he's not my ex.
I wanted to cry during it....instead I put on my best "porn star impression" and performed.
i felt profoundly empty afterwards.

Tomorrow is his birthday.
I hate that I still miss him.

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 18:16:02 GMT

sooo....after coming home from therapy last night, it was concluded that based on me FINALLY dealing with my life issues and grieving the breakup and stuff that I've developed "panic disorder" to cope with it.

*sigh* well it explains why i've been totally insane the past couple weeks. I seriously was freaking out.
My therapist said it should only be temporary as I adjust.

Well i came home last night to find that my parents had completely searched my room and found a bottle of wine I HONESTLY didn't even remember hiding!

I really haven't drank since this past weekend that they knew about....i really really haven't and I was trying to tell them that and they weren't believing me at first.
I really did just hide the bottle (probably so drunk at the time) and then forgot about it.

oh well, then they finally started to believe me I hope.

but it just reinforced that I REALLY need to move out of my parent's house! I'm freakin' 22 already.
I'm so tired of moving out and moving back in.

So i've been searching for an oxford house or some other recovery based house to live in.
These are basically large "sorority type" houses for recovering addicts and alcoholics.
Each house has its own specific rules but basically if you use or drink, you have 24 hours to vacate your stuff and you're kicked out.
You have monthly rent to pay and are responsible to help run the household

I think this will be really good for me.
My therapist agrees.

It's time I grow up and really start taking responsibility for myself.

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 23:44:38 GMT

basically.....

I've binged and purged 18 times today to keep from killing myself.....

(oh irony. but you know what i mean. from committing suicide.)

I left work early today after having a complete freak out....just hyperventilating and feeling this CAVERN open up in my chest and threaten to swallow me alive from the anxiety. I NEEDED to get out of there....there was a razor. I started to slice my fingers with it....I've NEVER cut myself before

So i left speeding home crying, calling my mom who just can not understand.
no one understands.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND!

I don't know what's wrong. there is something desparately wrong but i don't know what it is......so how do i ask for help when I don't even know what I need help with!!!???

my dad came home in the middle of the day to check on me. Found me binging and purging. oops.

he didn't yell....just looked SO tired. SO defeated.
I hated myself more than ever at that moment.
asked me what was wrong???
asked me over and over again and all i had to say to him was, "i just don't know daddy. I just don't know."

I have more to type and say, but at the moment it's completely overwhelming.
I'm going back to bed.

I need to die.
soon.

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 06:04:04 GMT

ahhhhhhhh.......

I just got me some action!!

seriously....BEST stress reliever is multiple orgasms. hehe

I had a nice evening....

went to therapy.
went to have coffee with a friend
then went by my "fuck buddy's" new apartment that was nearby and had some quick, no strings attached sex.

He and I dated almost three years ago...but it didn't work out but we've maintained a friendship and when we're both single, we like to have sex.

it works.

I had about 550 cals, walked three miles and did 40 mins of pilates.

all in all, a good day!

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 17:04:37 GMT

why I'm grumpy today.....

1.) WORST WEEKEND! I relapsed with drinking and I got alcohol poisoning.

2.) This guy who's been ignoring me for weeks had sex with me while I was blacked out (i have NO memory of it) I woke up naked in his bed confused. Now he hasn't called me. He used me and threw me away.

3.) I REALLY feel like shit.

4.) I binged and purged incessantly this weekend...i blew through $100 just on my binge food.

5.) my ex is so over me and happy.....and I'm so not over him and miserable.

6.) # 5 makes me feel BEYOND pathetic and stupid.

7.) my anxiety is out of control.....I literally feel SCARED by everything. My thoughts are racing and I can't slow them down.

8.) i'm still so fat!!!

Sun, 09 Nov 2008 18:01:53 GMT

*groans*

......4 liters of wine yesterday was a bad idea.....

I feel like i'm about to die.

My whole body is shaking and the word is spinning around and around....

I remember stopping by my AA meeting totally drunk, then I left and ended up with a guy i was sort of dating last month.....

I just remember drinking and drinking and then I don't remember anything and suddenly it's 3:30am and I'm totally naked and I think "oh fuck."

so I ask, did we have sex?
he said yes..
oops.

then I'm driving wildly down the road still drinking and I keep buying food.
I can't get enough in my mouth.
and then I'm suddenly in my neighborhood running into the night. It swallows me up. You can't see me anymore. just hear me.
and I'm purging and purging in the woods
and I finish my box of wine.
and stumble home.

and now.
My soul is lost.

and the world won't stop spinning and i'm just so dizzy.

Sun, 09 Nov 2008 11:44:36 GMT

I just purged in the woods behind my house.......

it's 5:30 am.

I had black out sex tonight.

I woke up about 3:30am and didn't know where I was.....then realized I was naked.

I asked the body behind me WHY i was naked.....he said, "Um...cuz we had sex."

"Oh."

I drank about 4 liters of wine.......

Sun, 02 Nov 2008 17:44:14 GMT

oh no oh no oh no

I drank last night.....AND binged and purged!!!!

FUCK

I went out with James, my old manager who use to fuck me from time to time while I worked for him, and we went out to this private club down-town, because he's like a "high roller" haha and knows everyone....it WAS really fun, but at the same time it was really horrible.

It made me realize that i think I actually LIKE sobriety.
I actually prefer my little group of AA people, because they actually GIVE A SHIT about me. we actually talk and have relationships.

there you meet someone with glazed over eyes, your world is all distorted because you're fucked up on something, the music is loud, the lights are low, you're surrounded by the "beautiful people" the "glamorous life"
it's all so empty.
it really really is.

well, James wanted me to wear this dumb Ed Harty shirt that was to big on me, so I had to tie it on me and my mid-driff was completely exposed.
and he actually said, "DAMN I wanna fuck you right here....it looks like you've been doing some good throwing up lately."

my jaw hit the floor. I really wasn't offended because we just have a really honest relationship and he said it in a joking way not a mean way, but still, i was embarrassed.
especially because we went to eat before getting to the club and I totally purged in the bathroom when i was done and I know that he knows that I did....awkward.

yeah I just completely regret drinking....i really really do.
I worked SO hard to get over a month of sobriety. and now. now i have to start over.
I'm SO tired of getting damn 30 chips.
It seems that's as long as I can go before I "slip" again.
I feel so defeated right now
:(

Sat, 01 Nov 2008 16:20:22 GMT

say what? ok. I'm about to admit something I'm really ashamed of, but I don't have anyone to talk to about it. Don't judge :(

I feel like i'm losing it again....I just CAN'T seem to get over my ex no matter how hard I try....

he's in my thoughts ALL the time, events are always re-playing in my mind like a broken record. I hear his voice.....he's even in my fucking DREAMS everynight

and I KNOW he's moved on. I know he's with other girls and i KNOW he doesn't give a shit about me. he really never has.

All i ever wanted was for the two of us to work out.
All i ever did was truly love him. Obsessively love him.
to the point that he just shut down completely and treated me like total shit all the time, which KILLED me so I started acting crazy in return blah, blah blah

well....about a month ago is the last time I saw him.
I had just been released from the psych hospital and my mom dropped me off at my old apartment complex to pick up my car.
I ran into our old apartment that we shared and there he was in the bedroom.
He looked shocked to see me for a moment and then....without saying anything, we just started having sex.
it was quick.
and then I pulled my dress down and left and was walking up to my car JUST as my mom pulled back into the parking lot to "check on me" and make sure i wasn't with him WHEW! close one!!

ok. well since I had been in and out of hosptials before that, my birth control was SO messed up so in the back of my mind i thought, "oh what if I got pregnant??"

a big sick part of me WANTED to be pregnant. wanted to be pregnant with his baby because then....i don't know, I guess he'd HAVE to notice me then and I'd HAVE to be a part of his life and all other girls would know how important I was to him and maybe not even want him anymore if he had a kid and a crazy ex.

......holy shit. I'm beyond disturbed by this thought, but it is brutally honest and I could NEVER tell anyone in real life....never tell any friends because it's just THAT CRAZY.

I got my period last week and i was....disappointed.
yes. i was fucking disappointed that I wasn't pregnant with his baby.
what is wrong with me????

i'm just crying right now because I can't stand myself.

so you know what my next immediate thought was??
"GOOD." "NOW I CAN TRULY STARVE TO DEATH." " I CAN BECOME SO SMALL EVERYONE WILL HAVE TO NOTICE ME, INCLUDING HIM."

....crazy.
i'm crazy.

Sat, 01 Nov 2008 05:02:57 GMT

i'm binging and purging for the first time in a month.

Happy fucking Halloween.

I'm sure my ex is out fucking some whore in a slutty costume as I type this.

fuck.

Well time to purge.

I hope my heart stops. I hope I get gastric rupture.

that would be amazing.

my weirdness...in honor of Halloween

Fri, 31 Oct 2008 02:31:45 GMT

so....I don't know if I believe in ghosts.

I think i do because i sometimes worry about it a lot and I have a "safe system" set up to alert me to any ghosts in the immediate area around me..hahaha

k.

it's my dog, Izzy. She's a 4lb maltese. (and the love of my life!)

I figure, she's an animal and they can definitely sense supernatural presences just like animals can sense a natural disaster that's about to occur or a horrible storm that's coming even while it's still sunny outside....

so, if izzy is calm and relaxed, I know there is no ghost around me and I can be calm and relaxed and go to sleep....

ha oh wow.
that's beyond weird.
sorry!!!

when i was a little girl, i was CONVINCED that a vampire came into my room at night and he just waited for my neck to be exposed so he could bite me.
So i use to sleep with the covers wrapped all around my neck with just the top of my head peeking out of the blankets.
i remember i use to MELT! i would sweat and sweat, but I wouldn't uncover myself because then the vampire would get me.

um. Happy Halloween? :-p

Thu, 30 Oct 2008 02:00:58 GMT

i've had 490 cals for the day and i'm about to do 45 mins of pilates and then shower and then go to BED.

I'm happy because i've made two new GIRL friends!!

this is a big fucking deal for me!!

ha

one I work with...she's 23 (i'm 22) and she just started as the secretary. I really like her a lot and we're going through a lot of the same stuff in the guy department. She just moved here to get a "fresh start" because her fiance broke off their wedding! So she's quite broken hearted as I am. :-/
gah guys SUCK

anyways and another girl is from AA and she's 20 and she and I really click and are hanging out on Friday and we've been calling and texting one another a lot.
oh yeah. she ALSO has an eating disorder and is about a BAZILLION times thinner than me. grr.
that's the only thing that bothers me of course.
but none the less, I'm still quite happy that i've met her!

I'm hanging out with Dream guy tomorrow.
he's sort of backed off of me which BUGS me but at the same time i'm relieved because i'm in no condition to be in any kind of relationship.

oh and i wrote my ex an apology note for being a crazy pyscho bitch for no reason last night.

my therapist was NOT happy with me for that one....for saying the things i said to him last night.
they were terrible things that i said.
I told him i bet his dick is about to fall off from fucking so many whores and that i hope he gets herpes and how much i hate him and on and on and on.
*shame!*

gah.
i hate when i get like that.
I DON'T want to be with him....but i still want to control him completely and i don't want him to be wth anyone else.
I want him to be miserable most of the time.

I have a lot of work to do.
We're bumping my therapy up to twice a week :-/

k i'm gonna go work out

help

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 01:30:04 GMT

i feel like if I move....if i even breathe or open my eyes as their tightly screwed shut I'll destroy everything.

I'll destroy my sobriety, my "new life".....I'm sure of it.

I have to be still, as still as death because it's so fragile and the slightest disturbance caused by me will open it all back up.....I can feel the crazy in me. It's being supressed SO tightly and delicately because it's building up and up and UP....

I have no outlet to take the crazy out on....I don't talk to my ex anymore. He had to deal with the "crazy" CONSTANTLY. I abused him badly. he abused me.
I screamed and threw things at him and punched him and cried, and threatened and manipulated and interrogated him NON STOP....

i couldn't stop it.
It was the crazy washing through me like Noah's Flood violently washed through the land and swept up his ark.

and now?
I'm trying to control it.
I'm trying to "be good"
I'm TRYING not to be crazy anymore....but it's in there. In my mind.
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 01:00:55 GMT

I've lost 16 lbs in a little over a month.

I'm still fat.

So fat

I feel like screaming at someone.....i wanna call my ex and just SCREAM at him.

I feel like hurting someone or myself.
i'm very angry.
I want to hurt him.
I always hurt me.

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 23:28:39 GMT

i'm so fucking SAD today.....

i've just been beyond depressed since the moment i opened my eyes this morning.

I always feel SO guilty when my mom cooks.....I don't want to eat it. she just made spaghetti and meat sauce and I told her thank you but i wasn't hungry.

she got mad and said, "heather, have you had ANYTHING today??"

yes i had...about 300 cals worth. I just have gotten to wear i can't stand eating in front of people so I ate it in secret.

so I agreed to have just some meat sauce and a sweet potato to appease her.
at least I didn't have any serious carbs from the noodles and bread.

i'm just so hopelessly fat.
i'm reading an autobiography about a woman with Borderline Personality disorder right now and she develops anorexia as well and she's the same height as me so I am STUPIDLY feeling competitive with her.....A BOOK! A FUCKING BOOK IS MAKING ME FEEL COMPETITIVE.
so i was reading it when my mon offered the food so then i really didn't want to eat!!

urgh.
and I just feel like i'm having an identity crisis ever since I was diagnosed with BPD. i mean, things make so much more sense now and behavior and thoughts and paranoia and dulusions that i've been exhibiting for years and i just thought i was actually insane makes sense under the diagnosis....it was the BPD driving it.
but now i'm afraid of my mind. every thought that i have...i don't know what is rational and what is not. I have a totally inaccurate perception of reality....but it's real to me. so essentially i feel paralyzed. i'm afraid to think and to react because those thoughts and ractions are wrong apparently.
i feel so lost and scared.

YUCK

Sat, 25 Oct 2008 19:05:39 GMT

YUCK. what a dumb day!

I had to get up early to go to the dentist (no cavities!) and then I went out with my whole family to go get flu shots....then we all went to vote. haha
random day.

and of course they wanted to go eat, so I had vegetarian vegetable soup and purged it all in the bathroom at the restaurant. I was worried my mom was going to follow me in, but I didn't care, i HAD to get the food out of me.
I'm in love with how I feel right after I purge....the emptiness is amazing and, this is so gross, but i also love seeing all the food I just puked in the toilet because I'm always shocked at how much of it there is and that it was JUST in me about to make me fat.....the rush of power and triumph on getting to taste it but getting it out of my body is indescribable.
heh.
that's twisted I know.

I feel gross and fat.
I'm not eating anything else for the rest of the day.....and i'm suppose to go out tonight with AA people after my meeting and when you're sober, all there really is to do is go out to eat
*bangs head on desk*
and i can't STAND being isolated anymore.
I went out last night with them and ended up binging/purging, but i had SO much fun, so utimately, i was really happy I went instead of sitting at home feeling miserable all alone on a Friday night.

well I think i'm gonna go do 45 mins of pilates and drink lax tea.
I HAVE TO LOSE ANOTHER LB TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sat, 25 Oct 2008 16:29:17 GMT

feeling shitty and scared because I went out with a bunch of people from AA last night.....and of course, it was go out to eat.

well it was mexican food....I haven't had anything like that in about a month and I was SO hungry.

so of course I ate....and then It was like it never stopped.
As soon as I had the first bite, i binged.
I couldn't stop.
and then i HAD to purge.....

so I excused myself and purged everything up and my head was dizzy and my stomach was beautifully empty again.

It's been about a month since my last binge/purge...and I've just been restricting and i forgot how crazy addictive the bulimia is because INSTANTLY i wanted to do it again. and again. and again.
it was scary.

I had to FIGHT every FIBER IN ME not to!!
the only thing that stopped me was knowing I still have weight to lose and that I'm not even close to thin yet.
I did weigh myself this morning and I had lost two lbs!!

I got it going on. motherfuckers.

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 02:32:07 GMT

woooooooooooooooooooooooo...............

.

NOT ONLY is my body physically sick....i have muscular dystrophy OH AND nerve damage that years of my eating disorder and alcoholism CAUSED because my body was obviously in a weakened state to begin with making it more vulnerable to the physical consequences.....BUT

i'm mentally fucked up as well seeing as how I have severe Bipolar that quite literally makes me insane...and NOW??
well turns out ladies and gents that I also have just been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder....

*takes a bow*

yes yes...i'm about AS FUCKED UP AS THEY COME

damn.

Bulimic
Alcoholic
Bipolar
Borderline Personality Disorder
Muscular Dystrophy
Nerve Damage....

YEAP. I got it going on!!!!

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 01:17:02 GMT

after steadily losing 12lbs....i've stopped! which is bad because i'm now still stuck at my FORMER high weight before the colossal weight gain this summer....so NOT FUCKING GOOD

i still have trouble fitting into my old clothes and i'm freaking out because honestly I don't eat more than 700 cals a day AT MOST...usually less and it's all "healthy" food, no junk

that in and of itself should have the weight falling off of me but NO i have to really bust my ass because i guess my metabolism is so screwed up after YEARS of doing this.

ugh.
I started my new job today and was happy that at least I got smalls in all my scrubs. I'm a lab technician and I create Liquid crystal displays all day....very high tech oh-la-la....or A LOT OF WORK.
i'm exhausted.
AND i had AA tonight after working a 9.5 hour day and my dream guy has suddenly stopped being so dreamy and suddenly doesn't really wanna hang out anymore :(
i don't know why....
all i know is my heart is still so broken over my ex and it seems to hurt more and more everyday instead of less and less WTF.
i'm just SO disappointed.
all my dreams have been shattered, my dream to be with him, to love him. I really did love him.
all i ever wanted was for us to work out.
i really did.

damn.
it all hurts so much all the time.
it's so hard to take.

eek

Wed, 15 Oct 2008 05:28:15 GMT

k so i don't know WHAT the fuck i'm doing when it comes to guys....

....basically i've met my DREAM GUY and I saw him tonight. i've never been with a guy like him before....he's 26 and just got out of 6 years in the air force and has two associate degrees and a bachelors degree where he got one C his entire college career and mostly A's.....not to mention, he's the MOST beautiful man i've ever seen. 6'2, dirty blonde hair, gorgeous blue eyes, chiseled features and muscles...*swoons*

so i went to his place tonight to watch a movie and well i expected to have sex cuz quite frankly that's what i DO and that's what guys WANT....but not so with him. yeah me made out for a while (which was wonderful) but i started taking my clothes off and we messed around a little and then he pulls my skirt back down and says, "i better get you home".....

....i was like what? that's it?

gah. I feel like a retard. this is also my first time in over 3 years being with a new guy SOBER. so i'm even more clueless and lost.
i mean, he said, "there's plenty of time....i'm not looking for a one night stand" which amazed me and embarrassed me that i was so bold and was trying to rush things so much, but hey, that's USUALLY....no ALWAYS how it's been in the past so i don't know, i'm just thrown because i like him SO much

we'll see one another again tomorrow night.
eek
ha

scared.

Tue, 14 Oct 2008 02:14:57 GMT

scared.

what am i scared of.....MYSELF.

today i was officially discharged from the psych hospital where i went from a fulltime locked up person a couple of weeks ago to stepping down to a "day patient" and now? well guess i'm no longer a "patient" and i'm a "person" again.

I don't have a job because quite frankly, i'm still FUCKING NUTS and don't think i have the stability to even hold one down right now.

all i have to do tomorrow is AA at night and meet my sponsor before to go over my step one work......

.....that leaves HOURS of me. all. alone.

i'm already so lonely and depressed.
I haven't binged or purged for over a week....instead i've been restricting and excercising to lose the weight i gained the last two months.

.....what if I wake up to the silent, empty house and start binging and purging??? or worse....what if I go buy a bottle of wine or vodka (which is what i REALLY want to do....)

i'm dangrous left on my own. and i'm scared. seems all i do is self destruct and being sober, i'm having SO MANY FUCKING FEELINGS that i'm about to rip my hair out and desinigrate all at once (impressive.) and i don't know WHAT THE FUCK to do with myself!!!

my meds for my bipolar are sloooooooowly being regulated and i don't see my therapist OR pyschiatrist until this friday.....so far away from now! so i'm still insane and suffering greatly.

and I can't stop looking at my fucking ex boyfriend's facebook and seeing new girls on his wall and feeling like my heart is being torn apart on a cheese grater. even thought i HATE that motherfucker.......

i just don't know what to do.

i think i'll just stay in bed all day where I won't get into trouble.
fuck. me.

heavy stuff. happy annniversary

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 03:04:36 GMT

i'm to ashamed to go to the gym......so i've been working out in my room.

My 22nd birthday is on the 20th and I asked for an elliptical machine from my parents....i REALLLLY hope i get it!

we literally have an ancient treadmill in one of our upstairs rooms from like 1984. haha pretty terrible.

so far, i've lost 4 lbs this week.....i'm going to ATTEMPT some pants tomorrow. I have them laying out in my room for the morning. I haven't worn pants in about a month because none would fit because i'm such a fat fuck, so i'm nervous. I'm not trying them on now because i'm all bloated from the day but i'm pretty sure i kept it around 500 cals today and did some working out in my room.

I HATE running into people i haven't seen in months (like i'm doing now that i'm back at AA) and them seeing me now because i so obviously gained weight.
i'm so ashamed.
I almost didn't go to the meeting tonight because i was so fat.....i was thirty minutes late and sat in the wine store parking lot staring at the doors debating.

i chose sobriety....three weeks as of tomorrow sober and three weeks as of tomorrow that I died.

Today was a bad depression day. I wasn't glad i woke up today those three weeks ago.

but death scares me more than ever now.
it was painful.
i could FEEL all of it happening to me.......i heard the flat line on the heart monitor.....i felt hands all over my body, people screaming, SHE'S CODING! I felt them intebate me (giant tube down your throat into your lungs to breathe for you...this was when i already had a tube down into my stomach through my nose pumping it.)
I felt so many needles all over my body as IV's were started left and right and god knows what else the fuck they did to save me. I felt i was buck naked while they worked on me.......and I was TRYING SO HARD TO SCREAM!!!!!!!!!! it hurt. but i was paralyzed. i was trapped in a dead body.....i literally couldn't flutter my eyes or move my toes and i was trying to and i thought, is this death????? then i heard the heart monitor start again as a machine breathed for me. and then.....blackness.

happy anniversary.