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March 31, 2008

Dear Oprah,

            I’m writing to you because I could die at any moment from cardiac arrest. My potassium and electrolyte levels are perpetually messed up causing me chronic dizziness and disorientation. My tooth enamel is gradually being eroded away and I suffer from esophageal abrasions which cause my throat to constantly bleed.

            .  However, at 21 years old, 5’5 feet tall and 120 lbs, I look “normal” to the outside world. My physical size shows no indications that I suffer from devastating bulimia nervosa and severe emotional problems, as do millions of girls and women throughout the country. Bulimia is a very serious eating disorder classified by “binge eating,” which consists of wildly eating an excessive amount of food in a very short amount of time, and then “purging” the food, which is usually done by self-induced vomiting, but also includes excessive exercise or laxative abuse.

            The main purpose of this letter is to shatter the ignorance surrounding eating disorders, and bring awareness to the extreme lack of help due to insurance companies’ requirements for payment. When one hear the words “eating disorder,” a stereotypical image usually pops into a person’s head. This is an image of a severely emaciated anorexic who’s skeletal body is the manifestation of their pain, their disease, and their self-destruction. While this is an extremely devastating disease, anorexia is only a small sub-section of the entire eating disorder population. . I have been on both ends of the eating disorder continuum where I first suffered from anorexia from the time I was 12 to about 18. Initially I displayed the recognizable skeletal body at 100 lbs. I wore my bones as a badge so to speak. They were my validation for the disease, my proof of how sick I really was, how much pain I truly was in. When I was eighteen, I quickly plummeted into bulimia hell. Because of the erratic binge/purge cycle, many people gain weight because despite the purging, many calories are still absorbed from the binging. I began binging and purging slowly at first; probably once or twice a week when I would “lose control” over my rigid restriction surrounding my food. The most indescribable panic would overcome me. A desperate “oops” feeling engulfing me, screaming at me to feel empty again. This desire was so urgent, more vital to me than breathing, as the extreme panic strangled me to get rid of the heavy food weighing by body down. I continued on this way, with my food moving wildly in, then violently out in a disgusting motion. At its height, I was spending about $100 a day on just my binge food! I was spending hours and hours with my head trapped in my toilet, then breathlessly running to my scale and back to toilet again, then back to the food, then back to the toilet! I would stare at myself in complete hate in the mirror wondering when self-destruction became my truth, my only instinct, my prison.  On top of the raging bulimia, I suffered from alcoholism and drug addiction.

I spent my days spinning completing out of control…

I would:

 Laugh
And cry
And stumble
And scream
And starve
And get drunk
And dance
And eat
And puke
And giggle
And go crazy
And soar into euphoria
Then crash into despair...
And spin, and spin, and spin all within a 24 hour period, day after day.

            However, because of my apparently “normal body size,” I never felt I could ask for help or that I was worthy of help. I felt that I was clearly a failure at my eating disorder because my body did not fit the “eating disorder stereotype.” I’ve spoken to so many women who describe feeling the exact same way.

            By the time I was 19, I was put into my first intensive eating disorder treatment where I was definitely on the “thin side of my normal weight range,” but by no means emaciated. I felt absurd and unworthy to even be there when I wasn’t even that thin; Or so I thought. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve gotten comments from ignorant people who find out about my eating disorder and then comes the moment I completely dread: the moment their critical eyes scan over my body and they say, “Oh I would have never guessed! You don’t LOOK like you have an eating disorder.” While in my first treatment, and then in my second residential treatment two years later, I found out just how much my body size would work against me. For the insurance companies to finance extremely expensive treatment, they basically look only at the client’s body weight and blood pressure to determine if treatment is even necessary! Both treatments, I definitely had physical problems and an abnormally low blood pressure going in that warranted me to receive insurance coverage. But with the adequate nutrition I was receiving and by stopping the eating disorder behaviors, my body began to heal far faster than my mind and emotions. I’d cringe at each physical improvement, instead of celebrating it, because that meant the clock was quickly ticking away the time I’d get to stay there and insurance would cut me off. Like most of the girls there, I would no longer be able to receive my expensive treatment due to the lack of personal funds. I felt heartbroken as I watched numerous girls who were in treatment with me being cut off after a few short weeks and be forced to leave. I would nervously wonder if I were next? When was my time coming?  This was definitely the case for me in my first treatment! After not receiving the time I needed because of the diagnostic criteria set aside by insurance companies, I left sicker than before I went in, and relapsed immediately. That’s the thing about eating disorders, the physical acts of starving, binging, and purging are NOT the problems; they are merely the symptoms of complex emotional issues, pain, and hurt. They are definitely not resolved by the blood pressure stabilizing or by body weight increasing in a matter of a few short weeks. As you can see, even if a “normal weight” person desperately wants the help, they are extremely limited in what they can get, which is just tragic and unacceptable!

            Well, I want people to take a damn good look at me. Because I indisputably have a very serious and life threatening eating disorder, as do so many women who suffer from bulimia (including all forms of the disease by purging through exercise or laxative abuse) and from binge eating disorders. Then there is a whole class of eating disorders recently being acknowledged as “EDNOS” or “eating disorder not otherwise specified.” This is usually classified by a combination of anorexic, bulimic, and binge eating cycles and behaviors but the individual does not diagnostically fit into the technical classifications of either anorexia or bulimia.

            I would like to be the voice of the millions suffering in silence. Most of all, I would like to be my OWN voice and break the shameful silence I’ve been suffering in for years. It is time to educate the public, and hopefully inspire people to get the help they so desperately deserve and need and to bring to awareness the epidemic problem that insurance companies create in preventing this help!

            Thank you for taking the time to read this and for considering my point of view. I hope my letter inspires you to some course of action to help in this.

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